Fear, grief, Suffering

The Darkness of Suffering

Rev Kathy

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I spent four years as a hospital chaplain, nine years as a pastor, and eleven years as a trauma counselor working with victims of violence. During those years, I learned a great deal about suffering. I observed it, empathized with it and prayed over it. I tried to discover ways to enter into the suffering with those who were drowning in it. But suffering with others is a complicated and difficult task. Feeling sympathy is easy. Knowing about a person’s suffering is easy. But entering into the suffering of others, being with them in their suffering, is very difficult.

The words of Gordon Cosby ring true to me:

Compassion is to know the pain and suffering of others. Not to know about the suffering and pain of others, but in some way to actually know that pain—to enter it, hear it, taste it, let it in. We talk about getting in touch with our feelings, and that is central to our freedom. The complementary step is to get in touch with the feelings of others. This necessitates getting into their frame of reference, their way of perceiving. Others’ way of seeing might seem wrong or distorted, yet it still is their experience of life…. In part, knowing that someone understands and feels our pain is the relief we need, even if nothing more can be done.

– N. Gordon Cosby
Source: Seized by the Power of a Great Affection

One additional lesson the years taught me: Suffering is much more than pain. Suffering is more than grief. Suffering is the deep-down and relentless assault of one’s soul and spirit. It is utter darkness. It is feeling alienated from the healing God. It is feeling completely alone in an abyss of unrelieved torment.

Medication cannot touch it. Sympathy cards, flowers and covered dishes cannot ease it. Only presence is effective, abiding presence with the sufferer, entering into deepest silence, being near to dry the tears that won’t stop, sitting vigil for as long as it takes.

May God give us the inner strength to suffer with those who suffer, to share with them the healing, renewing grace of a compassionate God.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you: when you walk through the fire, you shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon you.

– Isaiah 43:2

Beauty of Nature, Hope, Inspiration, Light

When the Moon Is New

Rev Kathy

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A new moon holds a hint of promise to me. It’s a sign of hope, an event that will lead to something fuller. It marks starting over, the beginning of something that will fully bloom into something more magnificent. New moon refers to the first visible crescent of the moon.

Some religious groups, such as the New Israelites of Peru, keep the new moon as a Sabbath of rest. No work may be done from dusk until dusk, and religious services run for 11 hours, although a large number of the devoted worshippers spend 24 hours within the gates of the temples, sleeping and singing praises throughout the night.

In many faith traditions, the new moon is viewed as a special time. For me, the beauty of a new moon is breathtaking. Though my faith does not commemorate the new moon in any special way, I am often moved to offer praise to the God who created it. And praising God is always a good thing.

When the moon is new . . . It’s a time of wonder, a promise of hope, a new beginning, and a very appropriate time to praise the One who created the moon and the stars as gifts for us.

Contemplation, Dreams, peace, Serenity

Serenity . . . The Peace of God

Rev Kathy

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Even in retirement, I find it difficult to set aside quiet hours, hours of peace and serenity. I tend to get caught up in current politics, the news of the day, and all of the interruptions that come up. Yet, I need quiet time. I need times of reflection and contemplation. It is during those quiet times that I find the peace of God. I find serenity and find myself dreaming new dreams again.

Bishop Steven Charleston writes about the gift of God’s peace that waits “beyond the clam our of the day.”

Quiet the hours that surround us, still the moments through which we pass. The peace of God is a gift, freely given, to any and to all, waiting just beyond the clamor of the day, available to whoever will receive it. No illness or strife, no worry or hurt can keep this calm hand from reaching us, no distance, no time. The feeling of what is holy is serenity, an assurance that love will never be lost, that mercy is as certain as forgiveness, that none of us has walked this way without reason. Heaven waits behind closed eyes, the other world of what is now, the blessing we were born to live.

Indeed, we were born to live this blessing and to find what is holy in our times of serenity. And so I work to keep out distractions and worries, reaching out for the calm hand of God.

Courage, Freedom

Out on the Fringe

Rev Kathy

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I have often found myself out on the fringe, out of step with those around me, almost subversive in my thoughts and actions. Not subversive in a negative way, understand, but subversive in the ways of justice and peace. I am grateful that I have a sensitive spirit that feels compassion for those who are what we might call “the outcasts.” I am grateful that God gave me the gift of empathy.

But with gifts, there are always responsibilities. It is not enough just to feel empathy. I must act on it, advocating for those who need an advocate, or as Jesus might say, “seeking justice for the oppressed.”

Doing so might very well put me out on the fringe. Steven Charleston describes it like this:

I would like to say a brief word in support of the lunatic fringe. I have been a card carrying “fringer” for quite some time now, out here on the margins of polite society where the really interesting people hang out. I have met wild eyed dreamers, optimistic visionaries, unrepentant seekers, and more than a few average folks who just like to think for themselves. Out here there are no party lines to follow, no castes or outcasts, no gated communities of the heart. There are only envelopes being pushed, barriers being broken, and love being risked as love always is. I just want to say: I am glad to have you out here with me.

I hope I will always be out on the fringe pushing the envelope!

Fear, God's Faithfulness, Prayer, sadness

Night Prayers

Rev Kathy

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I have had some dark nights of the soul in my life. And it seems that when night falls, the fear is greater, the mourning is harder, the sorrow is more intense, the Lonliness is almost unbearable. In those times, I would pray for the morning, hoping beyond hope that I would survive the night. Sleep would not come and I spent hours worrying. I spent many of those kinds of nights in the hospital, fearful, lonely, worried about my health and wondering if I would ever get well.

I can remember that during those long nights, I would call my husband for support. The time didn’t matter. I might call at 1:00am or even closer to the dawn. My husband was always faithful to talk me through the night crisis.

But when I was completely alone, my prayers emerged from the depths of worry and fear. I was almost desperate to talk to God and hear God’s voice of comfort.

Steven Charleston describes night prayers.

Night is drawing near. Soon the night prayers will begin. The after-hours prayers. The prayers without the need for words. Spoken from the heart, the language of those who work the late shift of sorrow. Night prayers turn bar rooms into churches, motels into cathedrals, truck stops into shrines. Night prayers are first time prayers, last chance prayers, prayers tossed up into the stars to see if anyone is there to catch them. Prayers without expectation. Tonight I will pray with the midnight seekers and the far from home angels. I will offer my own night prayer. For them, with them, in the congregation of the all night diner.

I love the words that speak of tossing prayers “up into the air to see if anyone is there to catch them.” I can attest to the fact that God was always there to hear my night prayers. Thanks be to God.

Inspiration, simple joys, sunrise

Into the Sunrise

Rev Kathy

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I rarely, if ever, see a real live sunrise. First of all, I am usually asleep. And then if I do wake up in time, there are too many trees and buildings to see the sun at its rising. It’s a shame, really, to miss such a magnificent act of nature, to miss one of life’s simple joys.

So I have learned that, if there are things worth seeing in life, I have to make a concerted effort to see them.

I imagine watching a sunrise and feeling a sense of new life.

The beginning of a new day might remind me of new beginnings in life.

The brilliance of a rising sun might reveal the brightness of new hope.

Since I have not seen a sunrise in a very long time, I do not really know what emotions the sight might bring out in me. So it’s worth the effort to make the effort, I think. It’s worth losing a bit of sleep just to look into the sunrise and take in the awe of the experience. I think I’ll try it soon.

Life storms

Storms

Rev Kathy

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My husband loves thunderstorms. Sitting on the porch during a storm is one of his favorite things to do. As for me, I have a childhood memory that makes me somewhat afraid of storms. At the first clap of thunder, my grandmother would turn off all the lights in the house and gather us next to her on the sofa. Whenever she heard a clap of thunder, she would let out a blood-curdling scream.

Lesson to young grandchildren: Be terrified of thunderstorms.

So thunderstorms tend to frighten me to this day. Yet, there is something very cleansing about a thunderstorm pelting the earth with rain. When it’s over, there is a sense of calm, maybe even a rainbow. And that always reminds me that storms don’t last forever. There is a calm after every storm that brings a kind of peace in me. Perhaps it is just relief that the storm has ended and everyone is safe.

And then there is the reality that storms of the soul do often threaten us, but they, too, come to an end, leaving us with a grateful heart that we survived yet again.

Africa, Friendship, Generosity

Fourteen Cows

Rev Kathy

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In a beautiful gesture of sympathy following the 9/11 attacks, the Kenyan Masai tribespeople gave American diplomats 14 cows.

For the Masai people, the cow is valued above all possessions and the gift of a cow is the highest expression of regard and sympathy

The cattle – regarded as sacred by the Masai – were handed over to William Brancick, deputy head of the United States embassy in Kenya, in a remote village near the border with Tanzania.

The gift was arranged by Kimeli Naiyomah, a Kenyan-born man who was studying in New York at the time of the disaster.

“This is the ultimate gift a Masai can give,” Mr Naiyomah told Reuters news agency.

“I knew my people, I knew they are merciful – they can be fierce and deadly when provoked – but they are also the type of people who can easily cry for the pain of other people.”

The ceremony was marked by tribespeople in traditional red robes and jewelry, some of whom carried banners saying “To the people of America, we give these cows to help you”

The US national anthem played as the herdsmen handed over the cattle.

What a gesture of generosity and compassion, given by a people who have so little . . . no running water, electricity, or means of communication with the world outside of their villages. Would that we who have so much might be as generous to those in need.

This story was reported by BBC News: World Edition on Monday, June 3, 2002.

Courage, Faith, Fear, God's Faithfulness, Hope

Courage

Rev Kathy

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I want to live life with courage, having the strength to greet the unexpected and the audacity to hope for better things. To be sure, courage is not always easy to come by. The assailants we face — change, aging, illness — are formidable foes. Fear is one of our life realities. But the words of Eleanor Roosevelt ring true.

Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.

Eleanor Roosevelt
You Learn By Living (1960)

I have learned that I really do have the strength to stare down difficult times. I have found courage in myself when I least expected to find it. I have stood firm and steadfast before illness, betrayal and personal crisis, and I remain standing as a testimony to the power of courage and the faithfulness of God. I am grateful for the crucible that is my life, for it has been a welcome catalyst for growth, strength, courage, and even hope!

Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord.

Psalm 31:24 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God is the One who goes with you. God will not leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6 New King James Version (NKJV)

Adventures, Inspiration, Life storms

Fly with Your Wind

Rev Kathy

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While a friend of mine was driving through the plains of Oklahoma, he marveled at miles and miles of vast rolling plains of grasses and the strong winds that were making them sway. Then he noticed something else every few miles: trees in perfect rows. And he wondered why the trees grew in almost perfect rows. As he contemplated the phenomenon, he realized that when the trees seed, the seeds are blown in the direction of the wind and thus the trees are growing in the direction of the wind. The wind shapes the vegetation and literally shapes the landscape.

Our lives are guided by winds, too. Winds of change. Winds from storms. Gentle, refreshing winds. Winds of bitter cold. Winds that blow in the heat of summer. The breezes change us, challenge us, and sometimes restore us.

We become who we are as the winds blow across our lives, leaving us different than we were before. I enjoy the writing of C. JoyBell C.

I don’t believe in fighting the wind. You go and you fly with your wind. Let everyone else catch their own gusts of wind and let them fly with their own gusts of wind, and you go and you fly with yours.

Fly with your wind. Sounds to me like wise advice.

Uncategorized

Change

Rev Kathy

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Like most humans, I resist change. It’s so much more comforting to be in the same place, with the same people, and under the same set of circumstances. But circumstances change, people go away, and sometimes you have to leave your safe place.

We changed places over a year ago, leaving a thirty-three year home for another state. We never thought we would relocate from Little Rock, Arkansas, to Macon, Georgia, but that is exactly what we did. And we left behind, long-time friends, children and grandchildren.

It was the most difficult change I can ever remember, and it took its toll on us emotionally. Still, looking back, I can see benefits, good outcomes and gifts. God made the change one of grace, and I am stronger and better for it.

Guess what? I am still resisting change whenever I face it. But I rest on the wise and challenging words of C. JoyBell C.

We can’t be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don’t have something better.

Adventures, Inspiration

Adventure!

Rev Kathy

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Life is an astounding journey. No straight paths, just circuitous ones. Few smooth roads, mostly rough ones. But what an adventure it is! I love new places, new experiences, new people, new ideas, new endeavors, new dreams.

This quote describes life so well:

“The path isn’t a straight line; it’s a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths.”

That’s what makes life worth living, the deeper truths we learn as we travel the journey. It is the spiral path that is so filled with that deeper truth. It is this journey that inspires us to dream new and fresh dreams. It is the spiral-like journey that allows us to grow and learn and stretch. Life is truly an adventure!

Courage, healing, Life storms, Spiritual growth

Scars of the Spirit

Rev Kathy

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I have my fair share of what I call scars of the spirit. They remain with me, reminding me that I survived my deepest wounds. They also remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has left me stronger and more resilient.

No one escapes the woundedness of a life well lived. No one can claim to be free of scars. But every person — flawed, scarred and wounded — can use the hurt of the past to be stronger in the present and more resilient for the future.

It seems that I have two choices. Either I can look at my past and hold on to the kind of bitterness that destroys a contented life. Or I can own my past, with all of its wounds, and become stronger because of it. In The Fires of Heaven, Robert Jordan writes, “The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.”

I am grateful to know that when strong winds blew through my life, I bent with the wind. I moved forward stronger than I was before. With me, I brought wounds and scars. But they remind me that I survived.

Beauty of Nature, Hope, Inspiration, sadness

Set Hope Free

Rev Kathy

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Head bowed down, I listen to the stories on the news with deep sadness. I listen to my own inner voice telling me that I am aging. I listen to others speak of aging with terms like loneliness and discouragement. I listen to the voices of the young who speak fear about their future.

These, and a myriad of other stories of despondency, try to hold me down. And yet, my faith still rises up within me in its reach toward hope. The words of Bishop Steven Charleston never fail to inspire me.

Rise up in hope again today, no matter what may seek to hold you down. If the world around you seems dark, then have faith that your own light will only shine the brighter. Your witness is needed now more than ever. Do not bow your head before the story you hear being told by others, but lift your voice to tell your own story, a story of beauty and wonder, a story of love and struggle, the narrative of a life lived and lived well, a sign of faith for all to see. Rise up in hope again today, for you are living testimony to what hope can do when hope is set free.

As we tell our stories, you and I, we can share lives of beauty and wonder in the midst of struggle. We can give witness to a life well lived. We can rise up in hope and set it free!

Inspiration, Uncategorized

Under the Shade of a Tree

Rev Kathy

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I feel very small most of the time, especially when I see so much need and pain around me. In the face of life’s strong storms, I feel insignificant. What can one person do to change communities? What can one person do to change the world.

In a world of violence and hate, I can sow seeds of peace. Tiny seeds of peace proclaimed in whatever ways I can. Tiny seeds of respect for my brothers and sisters. Tiny seeds of hope planted in faith that they will sprout and grow.

I may not see much more than seedlings for my efforts. I may work hard only to see the small beginnings of a sprout. But someday in years to come, someone may just sit in the shade of a tree that grew from one of the seeds I planted.

In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

Ecclesiastes 11:6 English Standard Version (ESV)

Creating, Joy, Memories, simple joys

Broken Crayons

Rev Kathy

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I remember the sheer excitement of getting a brand new box of crayons. It was nice to get a box of eight crayons. At least they were new and I didn’t have to search through an old, ragged box of broken crayon pieces. When I got a new box of twenty-four, I knew it was a special day. But getting the jumbo box — sixty-four crayons and a crayon sharpener — left me ecstatic.

Getting that jumbo box never got old. I never lost my sense of excitement when I opened the box. Those crayons started my love of color and the sheer joy of putting colors on paper.

Those new-box days were rare. More often than not I searched through bits and pieces of crayons that had long since lost their points. They would still color, but coloring was not such a joy when all the crayons were broken.

Still, coloring with broken crayons was a reality of life. I made the best of it and even managed to create a few masterpieces. Once in a while, I would come up with a new way to use them, like melting the pieces between wax paper sheets and making “stained glass.”

Now that I’m grown, I realize that life is filled with broken crayons. I use them anyway and do the best I can with the pieces. The important thing is not to give up on your broken pieces. Use them. Create with them. Try to enjoy them. Marvel at your own colorful masterpieces. Don’t despair over broken crayons. Broken crayons still color!

Hope, peace

The Power of Hope

Rev Kathy

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Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:11 (NIV)

In these difficult days, I often find that my soul is downcast. Inside, I feel disquieted. I find it difficult to be content when so much violence is surrounding me on the news channels. Hope is a rare commodity. Yet, the remedy seems to be in the power of hope, putting my hope in God and looking forward to better days.

That is the foundation on which to build our activism. With hope in God, we move from despondency into action. With hope in our hearts, we find ways to stand up and name the violence. We find ways to speak truth in the face of chaos. We find ways make peace.  We seek God to determine the ways we can work in our community.

We definitely are experiencing darkness. There are no simple answers to racism, hatred and the violence that assails us. We could control guns. We could conduct better screenings for police officers. We could create ways to more accurately identify perpetrators of violent acts. There are many actions that could help. But hope in God must be our first line of defense. Stubborn hope that never gives up finds us in the dark. From there, our remedies can take shape, pointing toward the dawn of a new day.

Anne Lamott writes about the power of hope:

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, dawn will come. You wait and watch and work. You don’t give up.

I leave you with two things: a challenge to become an integral part of your community as you proclaim peaceful ways; and this blessing from Scripture:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 (NIV)

Faith, Inspiration

Where the Spirit Lives

Rev Kathy

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Wonder of wonders, God’s Holy Spirit makes her home within us, in that messy place where we live. It might have been otherwise, of course. In God’s best wisdom, the Holy Spirit might have remained only near us or beside us. But God took a big risk with us, deciding that we should be filled with the Holy Spirit. It was the greatest gift we could have received, that indwelling of love and hope, light and peace.

No one describes this more eloquently than Bishop Steven Charleston.

Here the Spirit resides, here in this worn and weathered heart, living among the lesser virtues of being, the strong but ragged hope of many years. God does not dwell in distant mansions, far removed from the mud and grime of common life, but rather chooses to sleep beside us, on a bed of dreams in a lower realm, where sickness and struggle are noisy neighbors, and the new morning often brings both worry and wonder. Here is where the Spirit abides, here in this clay we call home.

“Guard, through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, the treasure which has been entrusted to you.” (2 Timothy 1:14)

A beautiful hymn text written by Thomas Troeger and published in 1994 speaks of the Holy Spirit within us.

Holy Spirit, Wind and Flame,
Move within our mortal frame.
Make our hearts an altar pyre.
Kindle them with your own fire.
Breathe and blow upon that blaze
till our lives, our deeds and ways
speak that tongue which every land
by your grace shall understand.

Spirit Wind has blown through my life and Spirit Fire has warmed my journey. Thanks be to God.

grief, Loss

From Midnight to Daybreak

Rev Kathy

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Day and night collide . . . the daybreak of hope slamming into the midnight of despair. Just ask the families of Philando Castile and Alton Sterling, the families of the police officers killed in Dallas. And so many others.

In one part of America, jubilant crowds cheer their presidential candidates, filled with what they believe to be hope for better days. In other places, friends and families mourn senseless murders, their very souls filled with hopelessness and despair.

When will this change? What what must we do to bring justice and peace to our communities? How do we turn this midnight of grief into a daybreak of peace and new hope?

Like most people, I have only questions. Answers are more difficult to offer. Yet we serve a God who turns mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11) and who calls out to us to do the same.

Let us remember well the timeless words of Dr King.

And let us “refuse to accept the view that humankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace . . . can never become a reality… I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”

From this midnight, let us strive in every way we can for God’s glorious daybreak!

Dreams, Faith, Life pathways, Life storms, Loss, sadness

Cast Down but Not Destroyed

Rev Kathy

 

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It was several years ago, a sunny, balmy day on the beach. A beautiful vacation with friends. Until the ill-fated phone call.

“Your nonprofit organization will no longer receive state funding. Your grant ends immediately. You will receive no payments as of today.”

To say this was shocking is an understatement. Suddenly, ten years of building was over. Services for victims of violence would cease immediately because staff had to be laid off. I was in shock and inconsolable. I had lost all that I had worked so hard to accomplish. What would we say to our clients? Who would help them when we closed our doors?

The press was asking for comments, but I had no words. All I could muster was silence and a few tears. I was too shocked to really cry. I was too bereft to make any coherent statement to the press or anyone else. Richard Rohr had the spot-on words to describe such a blow.

The pain of something old falling apart — chaos — invites the soul to listen at a deeper level. It invites and sometimes forces the soul to go to a new place because the old place is falling apart. Otherwise, most of us would never go to new places.

So true. I would never have gone to new places. As I look back on the day of my soul’s assault, I can honestly say that I was forced to listen to God at a deeper level. When that old life fell apart, there was something new in my future. Enmeshed in my work, I would never have seen it. I was drowning in my ministry and did not even notice that I was sinking. My health – physically, emotionally and spiritually – was at a low ebb. My friends saw it. I refused to.

In the end, the pain of that loss, the chaos, opened my eyes to a fresh new day. There was a new path ahead, bright and full of promise. As I allowed myself to be comforted, I called to mind one of my favorite scriptures, 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed . . .”