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In the darkest of nights, I will be glad for the morning. Dark nights of the soul often assail me. My heart is filled with anguish. My mind is filled with worry, mostly about things I cannot change or control. In those times, I feel caught up in endless darkness, wondering if the long night will ever end.

A lovely song that became popular in the 1972 movie, “The Poseidon Adventure ” is entitled, “There’s Got to Be a Morning After.” It’s a sentiment I can identify with on those dark nights of worry.

There’s got to be a morning after
If we can hold on through the night.
We have a chance to find the sunshine;
Let’s keep on lookin’ for the light.
Oh, can’t you see the morning after;
It’s waiting right outside the storm.
Why don’t we cross the bridge together
And find a place that’s safe and warm?
It’s not too late, we should be giving;
Only with love can we climb.
It’s not too late, not while we’re living;
Let’s put our hands out in time.
There’s got to be a morning after;
We’re moving closer to the shore.
I know we’ll be there by tomorrow,
And we’ll escape the darkness;
We won’t be searchin’ any more.

(Written by: Joel Hirschhorn and Al Kasha)

I often long to escape the darkness. Like the song says, I hold on through the night and hope for the sunshine of a fresh new day. The Bible says it another way:

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.

Psalm 143:8 – New International Version

In January of 2015, my family conducted an intervention with me. The objective was to get Fred and me to move to Macon, Georgia, leaving our 33-year life in Little Rock, Arkansas. They had presented all the pros and not one con. We would be close to family who would help Fred care for me. Fred would not have to do house maintenance and repairs. The cost of housing would be less expensive. We could interact often with my closest family members. And they found a lovely gated, senior community where we could live.

So, sight unseen except for a few photos, we moved into the idyllic community known as Melton Place. Apparently their arguments were convincing enough that we sold our house and moved to Georgia.

They did not tell us about Georgia gnats. They completely failed to mention that when you go outdoors to water your flowers, you are swarmed by gnats on your arms, your face, your nose, your ears . . . and you might just swallow one or two.

Much like the seven wonders of the world, the Gnat Line is just one of many wonders of the Deep South. Technically speaking, the Gnat Line refers to a geographic fall line that geologists or archaeologists believe may have been a prehistoric beach or shoreline. Our house is literally just below the gnat line.

So in spite of the many pros my family presented, they left out one significant con – pesky, persistent gnats. I’m off to find some insect repellent!

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of equal or greater benefit. – Napoleon Hill

Adversity, failure and heartache . . . life brings all three. The life journey we are on takes its twists and turns, one right after another. Around one bend, we might find something wonderfully joyful. But around the next bend, we can happen upon very real adversity. Failures and heartaches are common to every life. Even those of us who claim a strong faith in God cannot escape difficult days on this journey.

Remember Yoda when Luke Skywalker said he wasn’t afraid of the journey he was on? Yoda flattened his ears, leaned closely toward Luke & said, “You will be!”

The journey called life is for me a continuous discovery of who I am. I write about the journey mostly for myself, hoping to discover ever new ways of being in this world.

Every great spiritual teacher says that finding out who we really are & what our true motivations are (rather than what we’ve told ourselves) is terrifying. God’s purity & light necessarily expose these things about ourselves to ourselves. That’s what my journey is all about, and writing it down is a discipline that reinforces what I am learning about myself along the way.

Without a path that leads through adversity, failure, heartache, and all the ominous parts of life, I simply would not learn much about myself. The only way to experience great joy is to have also experienced great hardship.

William Wordsworth said, “Fill your paper with the breathing of your heart.”

How true that the more I write, the better I know my heart. So that’s the reason for this blog, and hopefully, at least one other person will find a smidgen of inspiration in these words. So be not dismayed when you experience all manner of adversity. It is the stuff of life and God promises to be with you, comforting you and celebrating another step into maturity.

I call on the LORD in my distress, and he answers me.
Psalm 120:1 NIV

Last night was not one of my best nights for restorative sleeping. Four times, every hour and a half, I heard the harsh alarm of the dialysis machine telling me to get up. It means that unless I get out of the bed for about twenty minutes, the fluid won’t drain out of me.

Now it’s not a big deal. It just has to be done. So while I am wide awake in the middle of the night, I begin to recall all the things that are distressing me. I go over them in my mind again and again, trying to come up with solutions. Of course, for most of them, there is no solution. So I fret on throughout the long night.

There is something else I might have done, or so the Psalmist says. I can call on the Lord in my distress, and he will answer me. I didn’t do that last night. Maybe next time, I will.

I love the song, “Waiting on the World to Change” sung by John Mayer.

Now we see everything that’s going wrong with the world and those who lead it.
We just feel like we don’t have the means to rise above and beat it.

So we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change.
We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change.

Is it any wonder that we long for the world to change?

More than 16 million children in the United States – 22% of all children – live in families with incomes below the federal poverty level – $23,550 a year for a family of four. Research shows that, on average, families need an income of about twice that level to cover basic expenses. Using this standard, 45% of children live in low-income families.

Most of these children have parents who work, but low wages and unstable employment leave their families struggling to make ends meet. Poverty can impede children’s ability to learn and contribute to social, emotional, and behavioral problems. Poverty also can contribute to poor health and mental health. Risks are greatest for children who experience poverty when they are young and/or experience deep and persistent poverty. (National Center for Children in Poverty)

Child poverty, children languishing in the foster care system, violence and the abuse of children . . . It’s more than we can fathom.

Yes, we are waiting on the world to change. But while we wait, we must work in our homes and communities and demand justice for all, especially the most vulnerable among us.

May God give us the heart, the courage, and the will to change the world.

These days I am working hard to conquer fear and feel peace in the midst of things that are not quite right. To be sure, I worry sometimes, and lament the losses I have experienced. It seems healthy somehow to count your losses every once in a while, and then struggle beyond them to peace.  So I do that.

One of the things I lost because of my renal disease is my career, a chance to make a difference every day for abused children and battered women. I lost my independence because I was unable to even walk at times. I drove the car a couple of weeks ago for the first time in seventeen months. I lost the freedom of travel, at least without heavy and cumbersome dialysis supplies. I lost the confidence that I won’t get another life-threatening infection. I lost the pure joy of going to bed and sleeping all night without being hooked to a dialysis machine, and finally, when I survey myself, I have to look at a two foot tube hanging permanently out of my abdomen, which means pools, lakes, oceans, bathtubs and hot tubs are not allowable for me.

So it has been hard to find a sense of peace in these days. I find it, though, because I rest in the promise of God in John 14:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
John 14:27 NIV

“Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.”  I’m definitely working on that.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may perfect your faith, be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  – James 1:2-4

Trials are a part of life, sometimes trials that seem more than we can bear. Often trials come in waves, one right after another, overwhelming us with their power. Financial difficulties, family dysfunction, serious illness, chronic, unrelenting pain, the loss of a loved one . . . In the past week I have counseled people in all of these trying circumstances.

They all have one thing in common. They have developed perseverance, just as the scripture says they will, and rather than losing all hope, new and fresh faith and hope is born within them. The second chapter of Hosea leaves us with this promise:

“I will make the Valley of Trouble a door of Hope.”

Most people are fascinated by rainbows. Almost everyone smiles when they see one, believing they are seeing a marvel of nature.

And it really is true that a rainbow is a marvel of nature. Wikipedia says this about the formation of a rainbow:

“In a primary rainbow, the arc shows red on the outer part and violet on the inner side. This rainbow is caused by light being refracted when entering a droplet of water, then reflected inside on the back of the droplet and refracted again when leaving it.”

So conditions have to be right to see this nature’s marvel. Conditions also have to be right to see a rainbow in a totally different way, as a spiritual marvel. As the story goes the rainbow appeared in the bible after the ominous flood, and God set it in the sky as a promise to never again send a flood that destroys all of life. Here is the story in the book of Genesis.

Genesis 9:13-16. New International Version (NIV)

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”

I love to see a rainbow in the sky after a rainstorm. And I always remember that it is the sign of a sacred covenant with God that comforts me forever. It is a reminder that God knows about my life, that God cares about the flood waters I have experienced, that God promises to keep our covenant.

About a year ago, I was in the hospital, just having survived an infection that almost took my life. When I came to myself, the things I could always do were almost impossible for me. I had a hard time recognizing my family. I couldn’t walk on my own. I couldn’t feed myself. But I was improving slowly.

During one occupational therapy session, the therapist brought large colored blocks. She asked me to choose a block, name its color, and place in the hole it would fit in. I could not name the colors that day.

Needless to say, it frightened me and left me despondent and without much hope. But the therapist persisted, relentlessly pushing me to try harder. That’s what God does when we try to give up on our lives.

Like my therapist, God pushes us gently, insisting that we keep trying, and holding up hope high so we can see it.

Getting back to any sense of normalcy was a long road. I even had to learn to write again, starting with printing my ABC’s over and over again.

Those were dark days for me, but eventually I saw the light of hope and slowly moved toward it. I am grateful for a God, and a therapist, who refused to give up on me. That’s what I call the light of hope.

A beautiful song sung by Josh Groban speaks of the many ways God cares for us.

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, “My Refuge,
My Rock in Whom I trust.”

And He will raise you up on eagle’s wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
The snare of the fowler will never capture
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield.

When fear assails us, we have a refuge and a rock to keep us safe. In this world, and in the most difficult times of our lives, it’s good to recall this promise which is reflected in Psalm 91. I can know with certainty that when all else fails to protect me, I will find myself under God’s wings.

Hear the song at:  https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MvpjxfWrjzY

Someone has said that life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

What in the world does that mean? I believe that it means that life has its share of storms and cloudy skies. We all experience them, literally and figuratively. When the days are long and rife with illness, we sense that as if it were a stormy day. When devastating news comes our way, it feels like a storm. When we are struggling, sometimes all we experience is ominous darkness. When friends have betrayed us and no one is left standing with us, we lose the warm, embracing comfort of light.

It can be hard to get beyond those dark days. And they can be almost unbearable at times. In fact, we can’t usually bear them alone. It helps to have love and support.

And yet, there are those times when literally no one can help. No one is with us. We are facing the darkness in fear with no help at all. The darkness has overcome us with clouds of gloom.

I’ve been there. I survived those times, and I know it is precisely because I was totally alone . . . but with God as my help. In those dark times, I remembered my light and my salvation as described in the words of the Psalmist.

The LORD is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?  – Psalm 27:1

I hear from many of my former clients these days, and I am so glad to hear what’s going on in their lives. Some of them have been able to move on with their lives, and even give thanks for the horrendous past that taught them so much. Others are still in the struggle, one which spans from five to ten years. They have given their very lives to get back their children after losing custody to abusive fathers. They have fought to prove allegations of sexual abuse, and in some cases they were imprisoned for their tenacity.

They have stood their ground before corrupt judges and therapists who mis-evaluated their children. They have lost years of their children’s lives.

There is no explaining these very real situations, except to say that justice for children can be difficult to achieve. It is far too common for the courts to believe the testimony of a father and to dismiss the cries of children that say they have been sexually, physically and emotionally abused.

Today there is a comprehensive account of the case of one of my clients on the front page of the Log Cabin Democrat. (http://thecabin.net/news/2015-07-19/that-is-not-my-role#.Vau_MEr3arU)

She is still fighting the corrupt and flawed system. She still does not have her children.

I am extremely proud of her loving tenacity and her unending quest for justice. I could do absolutely nothing tangible to help her beyond listening and caring.

I pray for the day when our family courts will respect the rights of children and really listen to their cries for help. As it currently stands, children have no voice and no vote. They have no control of their own destiny.

Let us listen closely to their voices and challenge the justice system that harms them. Let us help make the world a beautiful place for children.

Today I learned of the death of two friends. This kind of news happens much too often these days. My response could be despondence or depression, a sense that life is very short now so what’s the use. In fact, this is a very real visceral response to feeling ever closer to death.

I certainly have no sage advice for dealing emotionally with death’s closeness. But I do know that focusing on life is a better option. How do we do that?

Give thanks for the life of those who pass into eternity. Remember their contributions to this earth. Concentrate on their days of pleasant life and laughter.

Most importantly, relish every day, every hour and every moment. Love a little deeper. Forgive what has harmed you. Smile a little more often. Laugh a little harder. Speak with more kindness. Live a lot more “in the moment.”

In the end, let it be said of you: “a life well lived.”

Contemplation is not an easy thing to achieve. It requires the kind of sacred stillness that we can’t seem to enter. We are too used to busy-ness, hectic lives that we live so that we can accomplish things. We count those things we accomplish as stars in our crown. We feel proud of them. We show them to those around us like trophies we have won.

Contemplation with our selves and God is another thing altogether. It’s hard to do. We are so used to our calling consisting of things to do, we don’t understand the part of our calling that is real communion with God and real knowledge of self.  Thomas Merton described it best in “New Seeds of Contemplation.”

“Contemplation is also the response to a call: a call from him who has no voice, and yet who speaks in everything that is, and who, most of all, speaks in the depths of our own being: for we ourselves are words of his. But we are words that are meant to respond to him, to answer to him to echo him, and even in some way to contain him and signify him. Contemplation is this echo. It is a deep resonance in the inmost centre of our spirit in which our very life loses its separate voice and resounds with the majesty and the mercy of the hidden and living one. He answers himself in us and this answer is divine life, divine creativity, making all things new.”

– Thomas Merton, “New Seeds of Contemplation”

Now that full-time ministry is in my past, I struggle to know my calling for today. Contemplation is my search, and the depths of contemplation . . . It is divine life and divine creativity that makes all things new.

On some days, I need help getting through the day.  A part of my chronic illness includes days when I feel depressed and useless. I long for my former life that was so filled with what I remember as holy work. Counseling a victim of violence, working with an abused child, speaking on violence and victimization at conferences and conventions, being on boards of national organizations . . . It all felt like sacred work.

To be honest, I really acted as if I could do all of that on my own. I didn’t really need God to help me, though I know that was not the truth.

These days are very different. I do need God in so many ways, just to make it through the darker days. I need God to show me what my holy work is for these slow and quiet days. I need God to help keep me healthy and functioning.

When I most need God, Psalm 121 is my anchor. One of the most beautiful passages in the Bible, this Psalm reminds us that we have only to look up into the mountains to find God’s help, and that he keeps us safe without slumber or sleep.

Psalm 121 (KJV)

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.

He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand.

The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.

The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Giving up is easy. Quitting and saying you don’t have enough strength to move forward is one way to live life. It’s all too easy to go that route when you suffer from chronic illness. For me the illness is end stage renal disease. That means that illness is all that’s left for my life. It means I have to do dialysis daily for seven hours. It means that I cannot do everything I want to do, all the things I used to do.

On some days, this situation really depresses me. It has the power to knock me off my feet at times. There are definitely some dark days that I face on occasion.

Lots of things help, though . . . The love of my husband and the way he cares for me, the attention and caring of family, and the occasional quotes of inspiration that I run across.  Today, it is a song sung by Eric Bibb.

Keep on when your mind says quit
Dream on ’til you find your living it
I’ll be right by your side.

Don’t stop ’til you win your prize
Lean on all the love that is in my eyes
You’re a diamond to me, yes you are.
Shine on.
Shine on.

So in spite of the difficult days, I plan to shine on. It’s the only way to live.

Waiting is not easy for me, being the impatient person that I am. In these quiet days of retirement, I find myself doing a great deal of waiting. Waiting on God, mostly, to show me a divine surprise. Being in active, full-time ministry is so different. One can see God working mightily most every day.

But now God works with me far more subtly, and that is a challenge for me. I sit and I wait for just the slightest holy inspiration.  And I wait, and I wait.

I love the Scripture, “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not faint.”

There were times in my life when I felt as if I could soar like an eagle. At other times, I would run and almost never become weary of the chase. Today, I am grateful just to walk and not faint on the way. In some ways, the walking is the hardest feat of all. You trudge along without the lofty momentum of soaring and running.  You just wait on the Lord and walk. You will not faint on this journey, and that’s good news!

Lord, enlighten what is dark in me,

Strengthen what is weak in me,

Mend what is broken in me,

Bind what is bruised in me,

Heal what is sick in me,

And lastly, revive whatever peace and love has died in me.

Today I came upon this wonderful prayer about re-creation. It reminded me that our life of faith is never over, that we continue to strive throughout life to become the persons we are meant to be.

Based on this important lesson, I have recognized a grave mistake I have made in the past few months. Because my ministry position ended, I basically packed it in, deciding by my actions that my ministry was over and my call from God was finished.

Feeling all washed up, I struggled to find spiritual meaning in my life. I acted as if God was done struggling with me and in me.

Nothing could be further from the truth. My illness has brought me to a quiet time of life, the kind of quietness I have never known before. But this quiet period of my life is just the right time to experience a closer relationship with the God who continuously re-creates me.

And so this prayer becomes the prayer of my heart. I greet, with great anticipation, this quiet, peaceful and life-changing time of re-creation.

The Rainbows in Ramsey Cascades, Great Smokey Mountains National Park . . . It’s one of the beautiful places in the world. What is most beautiful about this place is the reminder it offers us that rainbows can occur in unusual places. That’s good news for those of us who live in the midst of life storms. The difficulties we face – financial hardships, loss of friends and loved ones, loss of good health – bring us into stormy places that have the power to consume us.

We lose the light clouds in a deep blue sky. We lose the sunlight. We lose the beauty of a bright day. And we’re left with ominous clouds, thunder and lightning, and heavy rain. It can be a frightening time.

But life goes on and the storm eventually stops its raging. Then the rainbow appears, reminding us that all is well again. In unusual places, at unusual times, the rainbow lightens our lives. When the storm rages in your life, look for the rainbow. It might just appear in the most unusual place.

Yesterday I saw an old Mexican proverb that brought me great comfort and inspiration. “They thought they would bury us, but didn’t realize we were seeds.”

There are definitely times of life that bury us.  The light is gone and we cannot visualize any way to move. Some circumstances of life make feeling buried a reality. But what if instead of being buried, we are actually planted?

There is dirt involved either way. But being planted offers hope for something else, something new and fresh. The seed is experiencing darkness, for sure. The dirt is a totally confining place.  But there is the very real possibility that the seed will strive toward the light. There is the possibility of new life and new growth.

I, for one, have survived feeling buried by life. I have struggled in the dirt and stretched up into the sunlight. I have experienced fresh new beginnings so many times, that now when I feel buried, I count on the fact that I’m planted.

Planted is actually a God-time for me because I know I will see the sun again. I wish the same for you.