These days I am working hard to conquer fear and feel peace in the midst of things that are not quite right. To be sure, I worry sometimes, and lament the losses I have experienced. It seems healthy somehow to count your losses every once in a while, and then struggle beyond them to peace. So I do that.
One of the things I lost because of my renal disease is my career, a chance to make a difference every day for abused children and battered women. I lost my independence because I was unable to even walk at times. I drove the car a couple of weeks ago for the first time in seventeen months. I lost the freedom of travel, at least without heavy and cumbersome dialysis supplies. I lost the confidence that I won’t get another life-threatening infection. I lost the pure joy of going to bed and sleeping all night without being hooked to a dialysis machine, and finally, when I survey myself, I have to look at a two foot tube hanging permanently out of my abdomen, which means pools, lakes, oceans, bathtubs and hot tubs are not allowable for me.
So it has been hard to find a sense of peace in these days. I find it, though, because I rest in the promise of God in John 14:
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
John 14:27 NIV
“Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.” I’m definitely working on that.