Faith, grief, Loss

Loss

image

Fred and I talked recently about the year I was so sick. He said something I’ll never forget: “I thought I was going to lose you.” His words made a deep impression on me. I have known loss and the grief that comes with it. And I ached for Fred, knowing that he looked at loss squarely front of him and could not escape it.

None of us will get through this life without experiencing loss. So we have to find a way to face off with it and walk away stronger. James Taylor’s song “Fire and Rain” speaks of loss.

Won’t you look down upon me, Jesus, You’ve got to help me make a stand.
You’ve just got to see me through another day.
My body’s aching and my time is at hand and I won’t make it any other way.
Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
but I always thought that I’d see you again.

It is so true that turning to God eases loss and gives us the support we need to make it. We have several things going for us: faith, resilience, strength, courage, and a God who is ever present. With those things in place, we can face loss and come away from it whole.

Courage, Faith, healing, Spiritual growth

Wounds of the Soul

image

The past and its memories can be harsh. Especially for those who have experienced great hurt. I call such hurts wounds of the soul.

After the injury ceases its pain, after the scars heal, the wounds of the soul remain. They remain forever as a reminder, not only that I was hurt, but also that I survived. I have learned not to be enslaved by my wounds. They remind me that I was stronger than the thing or the person that tried to hurt me.

How does one heal the wounds of the soul? You don’t heal them. They never go away. They remain on the soul as badges of courage and reminders of strength and perseverance. They happened in the past, of course, but they make me more mindful of the glories of the present moment.

“When we are mindful, deeply in touch with the present moment, our understanding of what is going on deepens, and we begin to be filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love.”

– Thich Nhat Hanh
In spite of the soul’s wounds, I am filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love. There is a part of me that is grateful for the wounds that stay with me. They make me stronger. They make me resilient. They make me wise enough to not be hurt again. I want to always remember that the soul is able to endure the wounds. The soul’s memories will always mark the time of the hurt and hold it for safekeeping. The soul will bear its wounds with grace, thankful that they make us the person we are meant to be.

I often ask myself the question “Who would you be without the wounds?”

Prayer

A Prayer

image

Dear God,

Enlighten what’s dark in me.

Strengthen what’s weak in me.

Mend what’s broken in me.

Bind what’s bruised in me,

Heal what’s sick in me.

And lastly,

Revive whatever peace and love has died in me.

Amen

Beauty of Nature, Inspiration, simple joys

Wow!

image
Boston Fern in my yard

Wow! Not the most eloquent thought for a writer. Nevertheless, “wow” is the best word I can come up with for a day with bright sunshine and gentle, cooling breezes. And I don’t even have to leave home to enjoy the beauty of nature. Flowers are blooming all around my house. Lush ferns are swaying with the wind. The leaves of the Chinese Tallow tree are glistening in the sun.

I am grateful to God for the wild and free beauty in nature, a Creation extraordinaire, available for our enjoyment. I am amazed at the shining stars at night, at the luminous moon, at the rising and setting of the sun. There is enough in this marvelous world to astound me beyond measure. All I need do is pause for a moment to take it all in.

Lord Byron penned eloquent words that express the love of nature.

There is pleasure in the pathless woods:
There is rapture on the lonely shore:
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
There is society, where none intrudes.
I love not man the less, but Nature more.

So it’s very true: “Wow!” Is not eloquent. But it really is accurate.

Creating, Inspiration, Self care, Spiritual growth

I Am Creating Me

image

As a fledgling artist, the metaphors in this quote by Bishop Steven Charleston resonate with my experience.

You and I are artists of time. We bend and shape, color and texture, make and form what is to come by what we do now. Now is our tool, our brush, our chisel, with which we work diligently to create something new. We use all of the materials we have at hand, our experience, our memories, our dreams, and seek to put all of those into a finished piece both recognizable and beautiful. Our work never stops. We are born to this art. It is our vocation, our passion. Time is our medium, life our creation, reality our gallery, tomorrow our masterpiece.

What a lovely way to say that we are the creators of our lives, that our experiences, our memories and our dreams fill our canvasses with untold beauty. We are each unique, artists in our own right. We work incessantly, through wake time and sleep time, through every season, to create this art. Indeed, it is our masterpiece.

The reality is that I am in the holy process of creating me, and no one else gets to add to the masterpiece.

We create our darkest tones in difficult times. Brighter days call for the most vibrant and bright colors. Melancholy blues . . . joy-filled yellows . . . greens that hint of growth and change. Our palettes are endless as we swirl and mix the colors of our lives.

So we must never let another person disparage what we are creating. We must take our inspiration, not from other individuals, but from our own souls and from our Creator. This gives a whole new meaning to the declaration we should imprint on our hearts, “I am beautiful!”

Beauty of Nature, Inspiration, Sunset

Breathtaking Moments

image
Breathtaking sunset in Yell County, Arkansas. Photo by Charles Ross

Some moments just take your breath away. We have to make sure we don’t miss those fleeting moments because they can be few and far between. Or perhaps there are more breathtaking moments than we notice because of our preoccupation with more mundane activities.

Just this week the brilliant full moon flanked by a gorgeous view of Mars created one of those breathtaking moments. The rising of the sun creates a breathtaking moment. The misty fog after a gentle rain can be a breathtaking moment. The setting sun is almost always breathtaking to me.

There is an important lesson here: not to miss any of those moments. They are once here, and then gone forever. Keep your eyes open. Keep your heart open. You may have heard this often used quote: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

Dry seasons of life, Living water

Rivers of Living Water

Fast Flowing River, Australia
Flowing river above Upper National Falls, Royal National Park, Australia.

My smallest petunia got parched by the hot sun yesterday. Apparently the soil became dried by the wind and the plant needed more water. Today was a hot day at my house. I actually became overheated while out in my garden. Though I was worried about my flowers being parched by the sun, I didn’t count on getting parched myself. A glass of water eased my thirst.

The soul can also become parched,and that thirst is much harder to quench. There are times in life when dry seasons come, times when the spirit thirsts for living water. I have experienced many dry seasons throughout my life. I have longed for a closeness to God that seemed out of reach for me. Those dry times were very disconcerting. And sometimes a remedy seemed impossible.

During those times, I relied on promises from the Scripture to comfort me. I hope these passages will also bring you comfort if you’re in the midst of a dry season.

Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” (John 7:37-38)

The LORD will always lead you, satisfy you in a parched land, and strengthen you. You will be like a watered garden and like a spring whose waters never run dry.  (Isaiah 58:11)

Hope, Joy, The Dance

Dancing All the Way

image

We can either stay bitter or we can get better. The choice belongs to each of us, to take what life has given us and allow it to make us a better person, or to allow it to defeat us and tear us down. The choice is that simple. No one escapes life without downturns and little devastations. People sometimes hurt and betray. And we have to respond to all of that by taking sure and certain steps beyond the hurt. Those steps could be called “the dance.”

We are on a journey of twists and turns, times of happiness and times of hurt. Between who we once were and who we are now becoming is where the dance of life really happens. I want to be wide open to the rhythm of the dance, open to its creative movement in my life, willing to embrace it with my entire being.

The dance demands that.

Either we fully join our hearts with the music or we sit it out and miss it altogether. Those are the choices. There are no other alternatives. Dance or sit! As for me, I want to take the journey dancing all the way!

Hope, Inspiration

Rise Up in Hope

image
Delta Sunrise. Photo by Cathy Jones.

Hope keeps us going forward. No matter what obstacles we face, no matter how dark our path becomes. We lift up our eyes to the rising of the sun knowing that we will rise up in hope for another day. We lift up our hearts to receive God’s never ending love. We lift up our voices to tell our own stories, with assurance that we have lived a story of wonder, a life well lived.

That’s the important thing about stories, no one can take them from us. They are ours to tell, and surely, our narrative of love and struggle is a sign of faith for all to see. Bishop Charleston shares these comforting words:

Rise up in hope again today, no matter what may seek to hold you down. If the world around you seems dark, then have faith that your own light will only shine the brighter. Your witness is needed now more than ever. Do not bow your head before the story you hear being told by others, but lift your voice to tell your own story, a story of beauty and wonder, a story of love and struggle, the narrative of a life lived and lived well, a sign of faith for all to see. Rise up in hope again today, for you are living testimony to what hope can do when hope is set free.

So beyond every struggle, we do rise up in hope once again. And we are a living testimony of what happens when hope is set free!

Friendship, healing, Life storms, Memories

Ethel

image

I’ve been thinking about Ethel, one of the most loyal and dearest friends I have ever had. At times, I am quite sure she watches over me from her very special place in heaven. That comforts me, but makes me miss her all the more. Ethel came into my life when I was going through a dark time. She stuck close, in fact, through many difficult days, making all the difference in the world for me.

Ethel was like a best friend and a mother all rolled into one incredible package. I was her pastor for nine years. She offered me love and care through thick and thin. During the early days of our friendship, my light went out. Life was dark and dreary, and I was facing evil days. At least that’s how it felt for me. Ethel was a spark that rekindled my spent light. She helped change my life.

A friend posted this quote on Facebook yesterday. It so closely describes what Ethel meant to me.

“At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”  – Albert Schweitzer

Ethel lighted the flame within me. And what’s more, she taught me how to keep it lighted and how to make it through the dark times. Rest in peace, my dear friend. You meant so much to me.

Grace, Hope

Grace Upon Grace

image

In many ways, I am thankful for my hardest, darkest days. There were lessons in them, important catalysts for growth. And always, there was grace a plenty, more than enough to make it through. People have knocked me down. Circumstances have thrown me for a loop. I made it. I grew. I learned. I received God’s grace for the trial.

As you know if you read my blog very much, I love the writing of Bishop Steven Charleston. Once again, he nailed it on enduring hard days.

Do not count the days lost that were the hardest for you, for even in the most difficult times there are small graces present. We are shaped by what makes us bend, created as much by fire as by water. The lessons we learn are not always freely given, but extracted from hard ground, brought to surface only through sweat and pain. Wisdom is earned. We are what we experience. We cannot cleanse our lives of every memory, even if we wanted, but we can celebrate the courage it took to come this far, and honor the spirit that helped us not only survive, but learn.

I am thankful to have survived, more thankful to have learned, and most thankful of all to have received grace upon grace.

Faith, Hope, Light

Lead, Kindly Light

image

Sometimes we walk in darkness, unable to see the way ahead. In such times, we usually take small steps, one at a time, one after another, hoping we will again find the light. Darkness can be frightening, causing us to despair, causing us to doubt the future.

I have always been a student of hymns, knowing that the words and music of hymns bring me deep comfort. A comforting hymn that speaks to a dark time in life is “Lead, Kindly Light.”

Lead, Kindly Light, amidst the encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

So many hymns have their stories of giving strength, and “Lead, Kindly Light” has many of them. One is about the largest mining disaster in the Durham coalfield in England in 1909, when 168 men and boys lost their lives as the result of two underground explosions. Incredibly, there were still men alive underground. A group of 34 men and boys had found a pocket of clean air. They sat in almost total darkness, when one of them began humming the hymn “Lead Kindly Light.” In no time at all. the rest of the miners joined in the singing . . .

“Lead kindly light amidst the encircling gloom, lead thou me on, The night is dark, and I am far away from home. . .”

After fourteen hours, thirty men were rescued.

Our stories do not always have happy endings. At times, the darkness continues longer than we can bear it. But in those times, we can still take one step at a time until the light comes again. We can take each step in hope and in the confidence that we will again walk in the light. We can count on it!

Africa, Faith, healing, Hope

Dance Then, Wherever You May Be

image

Some people just know how to endure grief and difficulty. While many of us cave in the midst of grief, others thrive, meeting their dark moment with unconquerable inner joy. Such were the people of Uganda in the terrible years of Idi Amin’s reign of terror. He was a monster bent on genocide and on destroying the country that was called “The Pearl of Africa.”

For eight years, Amin carried out mass killings within the country to maintain his rule. An estimated 300,000 Ugandans lost their lives during his regime. Aside from his brutalities, he forcibly removed the entrepreneurial Indian minority from Uganda, which left the country’s economy in ruins. Schools were gutted. Churches were banned. Wildlife was destroyed by poaching. Amin’s atrocities were graphically accounted in the 1977 book, A State of Blood, written by one of his former ministers after he fled the country. Now a country of widows and orphans, Uganda suffered greatly.

At the end of Amin’s reign, my husband and I moved to Uganda to help with the country’s long recovery. We worked with villages digging water wells, distributing seeds, fertilizer and gardening tools, bringing in medicines, vaccines and protein supplement, and offering books, bibles and sewing supplies.

During that time when grief was still very acute, we worshipped at St. Andrews Anglican Church in Jinja, Uganda. Expressing their faith, the congregants also expressed their intense emotions of grief and loss with tears, prayers, and testimonies. One congregant read the following prayer from Lamentations 5:

A Prayer for Mercy

Remember, O Lord, what has happened to us.
Look at us, and see our disgrace.
Our property is in the hands of strangers;
foreigners are living in our homes.
Our fathers have been killed by the enemy,
and now our mothers are widows.
We must pay for the water we drink;
we must buy the wood we need for fuel.
Driven hard like donkeys or camels,
we are tired, but are allowed no rest. . .

Murderers roam through the countryside;
we risk our lives when we look for food.
Hunger has made us burn with fever
until our skin is as hot as an oven.
Our wives have been raped on Mount Zion itself;
in every Judean village our daughters have been forced to submit.
Our leaders have been taken and hanged;
our elders are shown no respect.
Our young men are forced to grind grain like slaves;
boys go staggering under heavy loads of wood.
The old people no longer sit at the city gate,
and the young people no longer make music.

Happiness has gone out of our lives;
grief has taken the place of our dances.
Nothing is left of all we were proud of.
We sinned, and now we are doomed.
We are sick at our very hearts
and can hardly see through our tears. . .

But you, O Lord, are king forever
and will rule to the end of time.
Why have you abandoned us so long?
Will you ever remember us again?
Bring us back to you, Lord! Bring us back!
Restore our ancient glory.

Good News Translation

The people were on their knees in prayer, some crying silent tears, others wailing out their grief. One woman began to sing and quickly was joined by the whole congregation.

Dance, then, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he.

In the midst of their tears, they sang this joyous tune, and then, all over the building, they began to dance. That is the way they endured their unspeakable grief and loss. That is how they embraced life after a time if deathly evil . . . with singing and dancing.

“You have turned my mourning into dancing; you took off my sackcloth and clothed me with a garment of joy.” – Psalm 30:11

Joy, Sorrow

My Dance

image

I love the lyrics of the song sung by Garth Brooks, “The Dance.”

“Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.”

Yes, life is fraught with pain, but we take it along with the joy. The two go together, are inseparable. And if you choose to avoid the pain, you will miss the dance. Joy and sorrow come together, and those who know the greatest joy are those who also knew great sorrow.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.”
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

The dance is filled with both joy and sorrow. Bishop Charleston describes the dance:

The dance is not over, even if the night grows long, even if others have left the floor, for as long as the band plays on, as long as music fills the air, the spirit within me will move, move in time to the sounds of life, to the rhythms of change. I age but I do not grow old. My dance goes on, and when I have no ground beneath me, I will dance on air.

Transformation

Transformation

image

When we are born into this world, we begin a process of transformation. Physically, we can almost see the transformation happening to us. But emotionally, it is far less obvious. Nevertheless, transformation is happening. It may happen gradually, mysteriously, quietly so that we hardly notice. Or it may happen in fits and starts. Sometimes, we experience one big transformative event that changes us in an instant.

That’s the thing about transformation – it’s personal. It affects us uniquely and makes changes in us that we cannot fully control. Often my transformation times have been big and noisy, filled with the exhilaration of change. My transformative events are not always positive ones. Sometimes a tragedy or hardship brings the most significant transformation, a life event that forever changes you.

We are being transformed, each one of us, in our own way. For some, this change comes gradually, unfolding over a lifetime, a process of growing nurtured by the slow acquisition of wisdom. For others, the shift comes in a sudden rush, accelerated by some breakthrough experience, a burst of spiritual energy propelling the spirit forward. For many, it is a combination of the two, years of steady search punctuated by moments of dazzling insight. We are all being transformed. No soul stays the same. – Bishop Steven Charleston

And for that, we can be thankful. Transformation makes life one great adventure. Our job is simply to enjoy the ride!

Bitterness, Courage, Faith, Hope

Bitter Days

image

I never had a charmed life. I have lived through bitter days, many of them. I have known sorrow, hopelessness, darkness, emptiness, loneliness, and all manner of emotional angst. But in those bitter times when I thought my world had fallen apart, I always found a fresh measure of faith, certainly enough faith to weather the storm.

It is true that I have often found myself standing alone on shifting sand. It is true that I have experienced loneliness, wondering why God had left me bereft and alone. It is true that, at times, I lost all hope. It is true that my tears fell freely and there was no one to witness my pain.

The words of Bishop Steven Charleston, once again, describe the emotions I have felt along the way.

I don’t know about you, for there are some who live charmed lives, but I have been by that lonely shore, standing alone on shifting sand, looking out to a vast dark emptiness, an ominous and unknown sea stretching out to the cloud covered edge of my world, while waves of sadness crashed around me, stinging my eyes with the salt of ancient tears. How clear and yet how distant is that memory now. Hope is not the absence of sorrow, but the release of that sorrow beside the still waters of faith. The light is right behind you. Turn to find it.

Yes, I did find renewed hope, and I did release my sorrow beside the still waters of faith. I did it many times, always finding that God’s light really was right behind me. Thanks be to God that better days always follow bitter days.

Courage, Hope, Life pathways, Risk

Pathways

image

Life journeys take us through pathways of all kinds – lonely pathways, contemplative pathways, dangerous pathways, mysterious pathways. The pathways make life exhilarating and unpredictable. The pathways lead us to places we never expected to go, discovering things we never expected to discover.

The pathways make life the pleasure that it is. That is, if we ever learn to travel the pathways without fear. Unfortunately, fear makes us forgo countless pathways, and we miss so much when that happens.

Walking fearlessly requires faith and a heart that can still hope. Walking life’s pathways takes courage and persistence. The Bible gives us encouragement to move forward. “When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; And if you run, you will not stumble.” Proverbs 4:12

So let us walk on with hopeful hearts, taking the pathways before us, being delighted at every turn, fearlessly moving toward our destiny.

Friendship, Memories

Forever Friends

image

What a wonderful reunion with Suzanne, my best forever friend. We had not seen one another in over forty-six years. As teenagers, we were inseparable. Many people called us the twins, and it’s true that we did look alike. We did some wild things as teenagers, not bad things, but silly things. We danced together, we sang, we listened to Otis Redding, we dreamed about boys. We did things that teenaged girls do, and we always did them together.

How did it happen that we lost one another for so many years? Why did we not stay in better touch? That’s an age-old story, losing touch with even the closest friends. It feels like we wanted years and years of a deep friendship.

When we greeted each other with a long hug, we both cried tears of joy. Being together for a few hours was glorious, and it felt as though we had never been apart. We rehashed good memories, talked about old friends, shared pictures of our children and grandchildren.

I’m so glad we made the effort to meet and spend some time together. I’m glad that true friendships never end, they just take up where they left off. I enjoyed spending time feeling like a teenager again. It made me forget my poor health, my aches and pains, and my age for a few hours. It made me feel the feelings of a teenager again, and that was a refreshing break.

Today’s life lesson: Memories are life-giving. True friends are forever friends. Try to keep them near.

Life storms, Ocean, Seashells

Broken Pieces

image

I spent some time this week picking up seashells on the beach. The truth is that I did not pick up even one whole shell. I collecting shards of seashells, broken pieces of what was once wonders of nature. So I contemplated what I would do with the broken seashells, and I determined that I would create a piece of wall art with the shell pieces.

My favorite shells, in fact, are the broken ones, the ones that have been dashed against the rocks and coral and yet somehow made it to shore. If you’ve never seen a broken shell, you’ve never seen the full beauty of a shell. If you’ve never seen a broken Tritan’s Trumpet shell, you’ve never seen the winding beauty of the core of the shell. If you’ve never seen a broken Cowry Shell, well, you’re missing an unusual work of nature.

You see, even though they are broken, the pieces have beautiful markings, each one a different pattern, each one colored differently. In fact, because you don’t have a perfectly shaped shell, the colorful markings become the focus. I think I can create something beautiful by putting together these broken seashells.

It is also true of our lives. We often find ourselves broken, having to do the best we can to gather the broken pieces of our selves and create something beautiful. Fortunately, I have learned not to discard the broken pieces of myself. I have learned, instead, to pull together my brokenness and re-create a worthy self.

We don’t get through this rocky, stormy life whole. But we do have every opportunity to make something beautiful out of our broken pieces. I hope you will do just that.

Grace, healing, Inspiration

Grace! Amazing!

 

image

The grace of God . . . I receive it continuously, but even after all these years, I don’t understand it. I am on the beach today, one of my favorite places in the world. The gentle surf, the vast sky, the sunrise over the ocean is grace to me, given by a God who deeply cares about times of re- creation and spiritual refreshment.

We who are Christians sing about grace often, and one of our most beloved hymns is “Amazing Grace” written by John Newton and published in 1779.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

The words of the hymn touch me beyond words, reminding me that, though I am undeserving, I receive the gift of God’s grace every moment of my life, through the calm and through the storm. It has always been enough to get me through. I love the words of Anne Lamott about grace:

I do not at all understand all of the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.

My gift to you today is a YouTube link to a gorgeous arrangement of “Amazing Grace” performed by Noteworthy of Brigham Young University. Let it lift your spirits at: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=X6Mtpk4jeVA