Mine Is a Lonely Road

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Into the Blue, Painting by db Waterman

Mine is a lonely road on a journey of one. 
To be sure, I have a dear, dear life partner
And a family
Friends all over the world.

Yet, I am making this journey all by myself.

All around me, friends are working, vacationing, writing, preaching

All those things I long to do 
Simple things, but out of my reach.

In the meantime, I am dialyzing for hours every day
Willing myself to eat less, much less
Focusing on healthy 
Exercising through pain

And waiting for a kidney transplant.

Friends are still working, vacationing, writing, preaching
All those things I long to do, still out of my reach.

Waiting for an organ transplant is lonely.

No one I know is doing the same thing.
But everyone knows someone who had one
And died
Or did poorly
Or maybe they even did great
But I never hear much about them.

Waiting for an organ transplant is lonely.

I cannot help but second-guess myself
Why the risk?
Hard decision.

A Good decision about a dangerous thing takes time
Maybe years
Info rattles around in your head for a while
Moves on as it discerns the rhythm of your spirit
Then listens for the whisper of God
And at last finds its rest in your heart

And then you know.

Friends are still working, vacationing, writing, preaching
All those things out of my reach.

They stop their busyness long enough to give me counsel
Everyone knows someone who had a transplant
And died
Or did poorly

And so they tell me that
With all the medical details they know
And mostly they don’t know

But I am holding the good decision in my heart
The right decision 
The one with all the risks
Just like life
Full of risks.

Mine is a lonely road.

But I am ennobled to move forward in good hope
My mustard seed faith is enough
I leave them in the dust
All those who are working, vacationing, writing, preaching
All those things out of my reach.

I  leave them in the dust
All those who knew someone who had a transplant
And died.

Because I am not moving toward death.
I am moving toward life
And light.

Alone.

Still lonely.

Determined to persevere
Until the road ends.

10 thoughts on “Mine Is a Lonely Road

  1. thank you for sharing your pain, hopes, desires and fears with us. May you feel God behind, before, and present with you. I continue to pray for peace and clarification as you go forward. several scriptures I lean on: 2 Corinthians 9:8, Ephesians 3:20, Psalm 66:8-12, Proverbs 3:5-6. Look forward to seeing you Sunday

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your feelings are so deep, so difficult, so full of distress….but they are also so real, so heartfelt, so passionate, and so you, that we as people who love you, who cherish you, who so desperately need you and need you to feel relief. Though you feel the loneliness and isolation we are there with you….in the depths of your sorrows we lurk in the shadows hoping only to be there if you should stumble to steady you, if you should fall to pick you up, or if you should get hurt to tend your wounds. I know the path seems long and lonely but please always know that we are not Jesus but we are made in his image and like Him we are only as far as the mention of our names….whenever, wherever, and however you need us!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!

    Like

    • Teri, you are always so attuned and so emotionally present. That means the world to me. And although I did describe a lonely journey, I know you are one of the friends who travel with me. It is so powerful when you feel that another person knows your heart. Thank you.

      Like

  3. I am profoundly moved by your words. Thank you for sharing your lonely journey and your waiting. I pray that the kidney be found soon and I will say that I do not know anyone whose kidney transplant has gone poorly. But whatever the anatomical result the courage of your living into your choice is palpable.

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