Not Without a Song

All of my life, I have relied on music to help me endure times of sorrow. Music can lift my spirit when I’m melancholy, and can comfort my soul when I am in sorrow and trouble. I was sexually abused as a child ~ not once, but again and again and again I was sucked into a cycle of power and abuse by a single perpetrator. I survived childhood somehow, I never acknowledged how music deeply touched my soul with a message of consolation.

I discovered good things about the healing power of music as I grew older, but it wasn’t until I faced a terminal illness that I embraced music as a tender healer, my tender healer. End Stage Kidney Disease, five years of dialysis, a kidney transplant, and a grueling recovery and rehabilitation time brought me to my knees. Somewhere in my illness, before the transplant, I discovered out of nowhere that I had lost my voice. I had taken my vocal cords for granted.

A life-long singer actually lost her ability to sing – completely and utterly. Only a squeaky croak came out when she tried. She was left without a song!

In all those years when I couldn’t sing, I felt as though something in me was dying—something soulful, something sacred, something significant. Something life-giving! I experienced deep pain, the pain that comes from a death of heart and spirit.

Without a song the day would never end
Without a song the road would never bend
When things go wrong a man ain’t got a friend
Without a song

I got my trouble and woe but, sure as I know, the Jordan will roll 
I’ll get along as long as a song is deep in my soul.
I’ll never know what makes the rain to fall
I’ll never know what makes that grass so tall
I only know there ain’t no love at all
Without a song

Oliver Wendell Holmes once lamented, “Alas, for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them.” 

I could not help but ask myself . . . Would I die with all my music in me? Or would I be so profoundly touched by “the sweet power of music” that I would “bring [my] music forth into the air” through singing? (Shakespeare)

Finally, let me tell you the outcome of this story. In 2015, I lost my song, literally, and could not sing a single note. How I grieved that loss! How I languished without a song! I had many discussions with those who know and the most common answer for me was, “You have damaged your vocal cords.” The most common suggestions for possible healing? “Rest your vocal cords as much as you possibly can. Do not try to sing at all! Use warm compresses when you can. Sip warm tea, never hot. Pray! This healing may take a very long time!”

So I lost my song sometime in 2016. I got my song back, in part, yesterday, April 7, 2026! I celebrated all day yesterday, sang songs, played the piano, and even danced (all by myself)! Do not try to survive your lost song, or anything else you’ve lost! You must live your best life, but never without a song.

Honor your life, your joy, yourself, and your vocal cords!