Spiritual growth, Uncategorized

Dust or Clouds

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It’s not always easy to nurture one’s spirituality. Things keep getting in the way, mundane things like cleaning and cooking, shopping and organizing drawers. But the question is, “what activities are spiritual?” Praying? Reading the Bible? Meditating?

Of course, those are the activities we consider to be spiritual, but those who are most acquainted with spirituality would tell us that we can find the spiritual in the ordinary. They would tell us that being mindful of every moment can be a spiritual act, no matter what we’re doing. I like the way Bishop Steven Charleston expresses it.

“Following a spiritual path is walking through the dust more than flying through the clouds.”

Here’s what else he says on the subject.

Sometimes we like to think of the spiritual as something very esoteric or mystical, and sometimes it is. But far more often, the spiritual is the common. It is the everyday. Following a spiritual path is walking through the dust more than flying through the clouds. It is less about what we discover alone on the mountaintop and more about what we share down in the valley. The spiritual is the now. The here. The next choice we make. It is how we behave, how we work, how we take responsibility. What is spiritual is what we practice with reverence and intention. It is what we do in order to become what we want to be.

Inspiration, Uncategorized

Without a Song

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What a life is ours! Doesn’t anybody in the world anymore want to get up in the middle of the night and sing?

Mary Oliver, Upstream

The truth is that singing is good for you. For thousands of years, in all cultures, in all parts of the world, people have been singing.

Singing is in our genes and in human nature. All types of singing have positive psychological effects. The act of singing releases endorphins, the brain’s “feel good” chemicals.

The urge to sing – and to hear others sing – is in all of us. Singing – like laughter, play, sunshine, countryside and exercise – helps underpin and maintain our well-being and happiness.

You don’t even have to be good at it!

“Without a Song” is a popular song with music by Vincent Youmans and lyrics by Billy Rose and Edward Eliscu, published in 1929. The song holds a great message.
Without a song the day would never end.
Without a song the road would never bend.
When things go wrong a man ain’t got a friend,
Without a song.

That field of corn would never see a plow.
That field of corn would be deserted now.
A man is born but he’s no good no how,
Without a song.

I got my trouble and woe but, sure as I know, the Jordan will roll;
And I’ll get along as long as a song is strong in my soul.

I’ll never know what makes the rain to fall.
I’ll never know what makes that grass so tall.
I only know there ain’t no love at all
Without a song.

Enjoy your day. Try a little singing.

Family, Uncategorized

Happy Forty-Seven

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If you know me very well, you have heard this quirky and delightful story. If you haven’t heard it, then you are about to hear about the beginning of a forty-seven year marriage. Happy anniversary to my beloved husband!

This is the story of an impetuous 19-year old girl and her proposal of marriage. It was on the campus of the University of Alabama that this unlikely love bloomed. Fred and I knew one another casually, but our friends never pictured us as a couple. We were just too different.

On a bet with his friends, Fred asked me to go out on a date, Homecoming weekend, 1968. It was a concert on campus featuring Andy Williams and Roger Miller. Much to the surprise of my roommate and my dorm friends, I accepted. They waited in my dorm room anxiously for me to return from the evening. When I got there, I told them that I was going to marry Fred.

They literally rolled in the floor in laughter. But two days later, I said these words to him while we walked on the beautiful Alabama campus. “God told me that we are going to get married.”

His reply was that God had not told him any such thing. As always, God knew best, and we have had a marriage filled with forty-seven years of happiness.

The moral of this story? God even speaks to silly 19-year old college girls! Happy Forty-seventh anniversary to us!

Uncategorized

Waiting with Silent Hope

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How often we fill our minds with things that do not make for peace! My mind, for instance, can quickly fill with health worries or the reality of missing my grandchildren. It is not uncommon for me to dwell on the notion that I abandoned them by moving away. It’s not uncommon for me to focus on one aspect of my health and blow it out of proportion, leaving me with a heart full of fears about the future.

But when I allow myself to fill my mind with worries, I am definitely not at peace. I become restless and fearful. A heavy feeling of dread descends upon me. I feel alone, and inadequate to face the future.

But there is a remedy for such harmful feelings. It is placing myself in the presence of God. It is waiting in silent hope for God’s voice of comfort. It’s not always easy to do, but it is a calming and peaceful state of being. Howard Thurman describes it beautifully.

“We wait now in Thy Presence with the silent hope that something may transpire within us that will relax the hold we have on the things that do not make for peace.”

I cannot say it any better than that. I can only wait in God’s presence with silent hope.

Uncategorized

Change

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Like most humans, I resist change. It’s so much more comforting to be in the same place, with the same people, and under the same set of circumstances. But circumstances change, people go away, and sometimes you have to leave your safe place.

We changed places over a year ago, leaving a thirty-three year home for another state. We never thought we would relocate from Little Rock, Arkansas, to Macon, Georgia, but that is exactly what we did. And we left behind, long-time friends, children and grandchildren.

It was the most difficult change I can ever remember, and it took its toll on us emotionally. Still, looking back, I can see benefits, good outcomes and gifts. God made the change one of grace, and I am stronger and better for it.

Guess what? I am still resisting change whenever I face it. But I rest on the wise and challenging words of C. JoyBell C.

We can’t be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don’t have something better.

Inspiration, Uncategorized

Under the Shade of a Tree

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I feel very small most of the time, especially when I see so much need and pain around me. In the face of life’s strong storms, I feel insignificant. What can one person do to change communities? What can one person do to change the world.

In a world of violence and hate, I can sow seeds of peace. Tiny seeds of peace proclaimed in whatever ways I can. Tiny seeds of respect for my brothers and sisters. Tiny seeds of hope planted in faith that they will sprout and grow.

I may not see much more than seedlings for my efforts. I may work hard only to see the small beginnings of a sprout. But someday in years to come, someone may just sit in the shade of a tree that grew from one of the seeds I planted.

In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

Ecclesiastes 11:6 English Standard Version (ESV)

Sharing God's light, Uncategorized

How do I tell you?

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How do I introduce you to the amazing God I know, to the Christ who is the Savior of humankind? How do I share with you all the ways that God has graced my life? How do I describe a God who is the Creator of all that exists and yet knows me by name?

I have travelled life’s journey with a God who is my protector. I have known God intimately through the most difficult days, and I have known God through all of life’s joys.

How do I tell you?

These are the words of Madeleine, L’Engle.

We draw people to Christ not by loudly discrediting what they believe, by telling them how wrong they are and how right we are, but by showing them a light that is so lovely that they want with all their hearts to know the source of it.

It is true. I cannot describe such a lovely light. I can only live within it and let you see.

Courage, Family, God's Faithfulness, Grace, Home, Uncategorized

The Coming of the Dawn

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It’s a brand new morning filled with possibility. It’s also the day we leave our Little Rock home to go back home to Macon. So there is emotion involved, bittersweet feelings that remind me that we are once again leaving behind our son, our grandchildren, and a host of lifelong friends. We cannot straddle two states very well. We cannot cure the sadness of distance with FaceTime or Skype. This situation simply is what it is, and we will have to navigate the emotions of having family far from us.

I have no doubt that when night falls on us tonight in Georgia, we will feel at home and content. We will nurse a little sadness, yes. We will work with melancholy feelings for a while. But we will be in our home, our safe place and our place of rest and peace. I will be glad to see my garden and marvel at how it has grown in a week. I will be very glad for my own bed. Night will find me in my place.

Once again, Bishop Steven Charleston describes my emotions in his eloquent writing.

“It is quiet now. All the cares of this long day are drifting away. There is peace in the house, and in the garden, and over the fence into the wide world beyond, a peace that passes beneath the trees and through the fences, circling the moon in a spiral of silver light, following the night air, going into places where lonely hearts hide, searching for the wounded among us, comforting the dreams of the innocent. It is quiet now, for the love of God walks this night, as every night, gently seeking, seeking those who need love the most, as they wait, wait for the coming of the dawn.”

Missing my grandchildren, I will “need love the most.” But I know that the words are real and true: “. . . the love of God walks this night, as every night, gently seeking, seeking those who need love the most, as they wait, wait for the coming of the dawn.”

healing, Hope, Uncategorized

Healing Waters

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I have spent the past two years healing from end stage kidney disease. That does not mean I’m cured. But it does mean that I’m healed enough to have regained my strength and a semblance of normalcy in my life. My dialysis takes eight hours each day, but it has become an accepted part of my “new normal.”

Do I wish I had healthy, functioning kidneys? Of course I do. But I have embraced healing that is my reality, and it’s not a bad life. I have learned that beyond any doubt that the physical, emotional and spiritual parts of me are inextricably interconnected. Genuine healing occurs when all three are well balanced. This kind of healing has its way with the illness, and in very significant ways, thwarts the disease process. I am blessed to experience healing. It is as if God is leading me into healing waters that begin a process of being made well, in the Spitit, the soul, the mind and the body. Healing is not a noun, it is a verb, and it is a continual process within me.

Until God completes that miracle process, I rest on these words:

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls my life.” – Akshay Dubey

Faith, God's Faithfulness, Uncategorized

Resting in God’s Love

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Where do I find God? There are times when, for whatever the reason, I feel estranged from God. There are times when, though my faith tells me that God is near, I simply do not feel God’s presence. During those times, my prayer seems empty. I cannot connect to God. I cannot sense God’s love. I feel lost and confused. I cannot make myself believe that God loves me.

Sometimes God speaks to me through the words of others. Bishop Steven Charleston writes these comforting words:

You are not lost. Not to me.
And never will be.
No matter where you may be,
no matter how far or deep or dark
or empty or alone or confusing or new
or complex or tangled
or bad or difficult,
I will find you.
I will find you and I will be with you.
I will come to you and hold you and care for you
and uplift you and protect you
and heal you and save you
and bring you home.
So you never need be afraid.
Never. For you will not be lost, not to me.
I have you. Now and forever.
Be at peace and rest in that peace.
You will never be in a place my love cannot find.
So says our God.

Without fail, I eventually return to peace. I find my way back, every time, and I find myself again resting in God’s love.

Courage, Faith, Fear, God's Faithfulness, Grace, Uncategorized

The Heart to Conquer Pain

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No way to escape hardships! It’s inevitable that life will bring us sadness, loss, grief, fear, and all manner of trial. This is a dangerous world, and danger is a part of life. This is a world where pain sometimes strikes us, and there is no way to avoid it.

I recall a terribly dark time in my life when I felt betrayed and abandoned, as if I alone had to face the troubles that had descended upon me. I felt disheartened and despondent. I felt frightened and, most of all, I felt totally alone. It was not a good feeling. It left me bereft of comfort for weeks on end. I could not change the circumstance, and I could not shake the emotional angst.

Prayer was my companion, but I would be lying if I said that prayer worked an instant miracle. Prayer was constant and so was the pain. I was not delivered from it by a prayer or a Bible passage. I simply endured the pain until it began to ease.

Was God present with me during this time? Did God hear my cries? Did God even care that I was going through the valley’s shadow?

My experience was that God was very silent. I knew God’s presence only by faith. I knew God’s compassion only by past experience. I knew I would survive only because I had survived so many difficulties in the past.

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless when facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer it.

– Rabindranath Tagore

Courage, Faith, God's Faithfulness, Grace, Uncategorized

Remade!

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I am in awe of God’s presence in all things. It is not just that God is near us. God is also within us and beside us in every created thing. I have learned that, even in the most difficult times, God is within me. In fact, God is perhaps nearer in the hard times.

How narrow a pathway those hard times bring! There is nothing to be seen on the left or on the right. It is a feeling of being trapped in one’s own sadness, wondering if the narrow path will ever end, wondering if the world will ever open up again. It is as if I am being forced to look within myself because the path is too narrow to see anything else. The sunlight is hidden. The light of stars and moon doesn’t show itself. There are no mountains or forests or valleys or seashores. There is just the narrow tunneled path and the will and the courage to keep moving through it. And even there in that tight, restrictive space, I sense God’s presence.

I can rest on the promises of this quote by Jan Richardson from her book on reflection and prayer, In the Sanctuary of Women.

The mystics invite us to remember what we all too often forget: God is everywhere present in the world, suffusing creation with the being of God. Once in a while, if we keep our eyes open, if we look closely enough, something amid the familiar reveals itself, offers itself to us in a new way. What we know, what we have learned, is taken apart. Is remade. Remakes us.

So many times in this life, I have been remade. It’s by the grace of a loving, ever-present God.

God's Faithfulness, Hope, Uncategorized

Hope!

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I don’t usually pay much attention to quotes printed on signs, but today I saw this one that hit me right between the eyes.

God is saying to you today, “Everything will work out. I’m in complete control. I know what the medical report says. I know what the financial situation looks like . . . I know how big your dreams are, and hear me clearly; I will not fail you.”

So to extrapolate this message for me . . . “I know what the strain of dialysis is like. I know you miss your grandchildren,. I know you endure a lot of pain. I know what the future holds for you. I know where your kidney is.”

And that works for me. The promise is in Hebrews 13:5.

” . . . for God has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support.”

What a word of hope!

Uncategorized

Only a Shard of Light

 

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Sometimes we have only a shard of light, one narrow beam that gives us a slight hint of which way to go. I have never walked a fully lighted path on this journey. It has always been dark and dim just ahead, making me second guess my forward progress.

I think, though, that life is like that. I think it’s a normal thing to walk on dimly lit roads, always wondering what’s ahead. I never dreamed that I would be in this place, waiting on a kidney transplant, hoping that my life will have a bit more normalcy, hoping to be able to give up daily dialysis.

I never dreamed that I would be hundreds of miles from my child and my grandchildren. I never dreamed I would leave Little Rock and end up in Macon, Georgia.

On the lighter side, I also never dreamed that I would live almost directly on the Georgia Gnat Line. Much like the seven wonders of the world, the Gnat Line is just one of many wonders of the Deep South. Technically speaking, the Gnat Line refers to a geographic fall line that geologists or archaeologists believe may have been a prehistoric beach or shoreline.

The point of all that trivia is that the gnats are relentlessly pesky, attacking eyes, ears, face and mouth. So I never dreamed that my life path would lead me into swarms of gnats.

But back to the narrow beam of light. It’s enough. It may not be as bright as I would want, but it has been enough to be a pretty good guiding light for me. I know it is sent by a protecting and caring God, so I trust it to lead me on.

Grace, Uncategorized

Stumbling Upon Grace

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Life can sometimes find us in a stumbling mess of confusion. But God’s blessing is that we are stumbling upon varying degrees of grace in every moment. It is grace that empowers us. It is grace that gives us strength to move forward. It is grace that saves us from ourselves. It is grace that helps us deal with discouragement. John R. W. Scott wrote that “grace is love that cares and stoops and rescues.”

I have lived a great many years, struggling through parts of life, racing like the wind through others. Something made the difference in my ability to run with the wind during times when I was weary and weak. I believe that the difference was grace, grace that always has the final word, grace that calls out to us and nudges us onward when we’re afraid to move, grace that is an overwhelming and undeserved gift from God that enables us to live, change and grow.

Living on daily dialysis, waiting for a possible kidney transplant, living a long way from my child and my grandchildren, struggling with medical expenses, dealing with failing health, becoming aware of my mortality . . . The list could go on and on. Yet, I am okay. I enjoy my life. As the beloved hymn says, “it is well with my soul.” That’s because grace lights my darkened world and fills my soul with eternal hope.

I rest on this timeless quote by Thomas Adams (1612-1653):

“Grace comes into the soul, as the morning sun into the world; first a dawning, then a light; and at last the sun in its full and excellent brightness.”

So I am continuing to stumble through life, but I am stumbling upon grace.

Uncategorized

Tiny Miracles!

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They are tiny miracles. And they have delightfully taken over my yard. The hummingbirds are back, and they are so welcome here. Three of them tussled over one feeder yesterday afternoon, even though there are four feeders in our yard. They are truly delightful to watch. They really are tiny feathered miracles with the rapid, dynamic beating of their wings during hovering and their quick fast forward flight.

I read today that hummingbirds consume more than their own weight in nectar each day, and to do so they must visit hundreds of flowers. Hummingbirds are continuously hours away from starving to death and are able to store just enough energy to survive overnight.

Enough hummingbird trivia. For me, the beauty of a hummingbird is in its unusual markings and in its elegant flight. Watching them helps me forget myself, delighting in their movement, letting go of my daily worries, enjoying the sight of their whirring wings.

When the hummingbirds come, I always think of the poetry of Sanober Khan.

may my faith always be
at the end of the day

like a hummingbird . . . returning
to its favorite flower.

― Sanober Khan, Turquoise Silence

It’s a good word about faith, reminding me to return to my faith every day, through sunshine and shadow . . . reminding me that no matter what assails me, at the end of the day, faith is still within me. It’s another miracle!

Uncategorized

Tethered

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I am tethered by several feet of tubing attached to a dialysis machine for eight hours every day. I am also facing the possibility of a kidney transplant. That should be wonderful news. Instead, it’s causing great fear in me.

What do I fear? Pain, weakness, difficult recovery, taking powerful anti-rejection drugs . . . and probably a few unspoken fears. My doctor says that a transplant will mean a longer life and a better quality of life. And yet, I seem to be content with a steady life marked with daily dialysis, remaining tethered to tubing and a dialysis machine.

Preparing myself for a transplant feels like taking a chance on a better life in spite of the risks. It feels like daring to try for a future that is better than the present. It feels like trying a mighty thing, moving forward and calling up all the courage I can muster.

Theodore Roosevelt spoke of daring mighty things one of his speeches – “The Strenuous Life” – given in 1899 in Chicago.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Perhaps a kidney transplant does not really qualify as a mighty thing. Yet the quote speaks to me about not being content to “live in the gray twilight” and instead daring to take a risk. It encourages me to move forward, to try for a greater quality of life, to take a chance for a longer life, and to get rid of my safe tether.

Uncategorized

I Am Free!

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In times like these when all the news is bad or lewd, I tend to be focused on the tragedy of the day. My heart hurts to hear about violence, the rampage of suicide bombers, the lives of homeless refugees and various stories of relentless details of pain and loss. It is in these times that I seek out the comforting words of Wendell Berry.

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

– From The Peace of Wild Things

Contemplation, prayer, focus on positive words of hope combine to help me “rest in the grace of the world.” Then I can proclaim with joy-filled optimism, “I am free!”

Uncategorized

Alleluia!

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Alleluia! Christ is risen! Christ is risen indeed!

This is the most glorious day of the Christian year, the day of resurrection, the day of celebrating a living Christ.

There is a contemporary hymn in most hymnals these days that sings of abiding hope.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone,
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

Alleluia! Christ is risen!

Uncategorized

Holy Saturday

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On Holy Saturday, we keep vigil at the Lord’s tomb, meditating on his passion and death, and on his descent into hell, awaiting his resurrection and ours.

it is a time of silence, because there is no plausible explanation of what has become of Jesus. It is a time of confusion and sorrow. It is a time of suffering in a place of unknowing. It is a time of wondering.

On Holy Saturday, the earth waits in stillness for the miracle of resurrection. There is not much we can say, so we wait.