I’ve been thinking about fear and courage, hoping that when I have fear, I will also have enough courage to face it. Soon I will begin an evaluation process for a kidney transplant. I have to admit that my primary emotion about that is fear. I have been doing well and feeling well on dialysis for a year. The thought of major surgery terrifies me.
I often think of one of my favorite quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
People who know me well will tell you that I am not an adventurous risk-taker. You will not find me bungee jumping or skydiving in this lifetime. I would never climb a mountain, or ski down a huge slope, or ride on a motorcycle. All in all, I avoid fear at all costs. I’m no good at fear.
So contemplating surgery is not high on my list. The fact remains that my doctor highly recommends a kidney transplant, and his advice is hard to ignore. He’s taking the long view of my life in saying that a transplant is the way to go. I’m taking the immediate view of life, which tells me that I am afraid.
So I think I need to take this process day by day, certainly not knowing what my health outcome will be, but trusting God to take care of me. I don’t want to be consumed with fear. Rather, I would like to feel a little more courage. I recently heard that courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.
That sounds like a plan. I don’t feel so courageous about this transplant possibility today. So I’ll try again tomorrow.