Who Am I These Days?


Who am I these days? My husband says I’m quiet and don’t say much, a huge change from my former gregarious personality. I know I have changed. Certainly, I have changed physically since the onset of my kidney failure.

I have changed spiritually, becoming far more contemplative and far less “share your religious ideas with everybody who will listen.” You might say that I have transformed from a “preacher” to a monastic. Not that bad of a change if you ask me.

Most of all, I have changed emotionally. This change is witnessed and pointed out by everyone I know. I don’t know what caused the change, and I don’t know how to change it back. I simply know that my once social and opinionated personality is now very quiet and shares very few opinions.

If I had to describe my current state of being, I would call it contemplative and introspective. I do know that the “eyes of my heart have been enlightened” and that definitely required some quieting down for me. I often think of the scripture in Ephesians:

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints,

Ephesians 1:18 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

If I am learning what is “the hope of God’s calling” and more about “the riches of the glory of His inheritance,” then this quiet phase of my life has been worth it. If my heart is being enlightened, then this change in my personality is for my good. If I am learning who I am, then this time of life is a gift. As I said, I do not understand the reasons for the change. I just know that I am a very different me.

I read a quote today that is somewhat descriptive of what I’ve been sharing in this post. Here it is:

Sometimes the strength within you is not a fiery flame for all to see. It is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly, “You got this. Keep going.”

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